What a Monday.....I won't repeat!

Before I type any farther, let me just say there is nothing earth shattering that has happened in my life on this first day of December. Quite the contrary, actually.

I think winters might be tough for me if I don't get back to work here, SOON. So many little things! To start, I have been sleeping on the sofa since getting home from the hospital a couple weeks ago. I have been doing this so I won't roll over in my sleep on the leg they took the skin from to do my graft. OUCH. That was going wonderfully until about Saturday night. It just is not as comfortable as it was that first 2 weeks. I always wake up abruptly to the TV blaring on some "Paid Programming" that "has been" stars are normally an annoying part of (that Gym Contraption thing Chuck Norris does is particularly annoying. I'd like to toss out of my truck going 75 mph on lonely empty road). So then, in a sleepy haze I cannot find the remote that turns the TV off. Only the one that changes channels. I ended up on the TLC channel last night - enticed by some soothing music at first. Then awoke again an hour later to back to back episodes of "shock"umentaries about people weighing 600+ pounds. No MG - you are not heavy.

So I need to get my butt back upstairs now and work on regaining some normal sleep pattern. I have found I really depend on this little item as a "quality of day" predictor of sorts. And today was a landmark WASTE of space for me.

The weather was not super cooperative for getting out of the house for a few hours, so it seemed like a plausible idea as Mark drove off at 5:00 a.m. - to just stay put today. Last thing I need at this point is to slide into the ditch solely in the interest of getting behind the wheel to change up my scenery for awhile. So...

I ended up fumbling around here all day and did manage a few trips outside and did laugh out loud once at our dog Lucy who saw real snow for the first time today! That was pretty funny. But beyond that, I have not seen or spoken to another human breathing person today and by about 4:00 with no road blocks to divert my attention anywhere else - I really began to question all the big imposing questions in life that normally occur in the middle of the night:

1) What is my purpose?

2) What am I supposed to be learning from my "journey" this past year and a half that I have missed?

3) Why does the sun seem to make days so much happier?

4) What happens if Mark went in the ditch on the way to work and no one sees his truck from the road and the worst happens?

5) Did I decide on my purpose? Wait... no I didn't ... lets obsess 'sumore on it...!

6) Where is the friggin SUN! HELLO?

7) Will I ever feel normal again? Why did all this crap happen to me... God - are you listening to my questions??!!!!!

8) Pain killers are an blessing and sin. Glad to be done - but miss the good sleep.

9) I was more tired at night on pain killers. Maybe I should take one to sleep tonight?

10) I am not liking this much time alone today. I should get out Christmas decorations. no lets watch more painfully depressing tv that is only adding to my already fouled up state of mind yeah lets watch this show the Bad Girls Club Marathon is this a real show it can't be I am going to get sucked into this and totally hate it that i didnt do anything productive today shit have i really been watching this crap for 2 hours i must go to cnn oh yes the bombing in india is much less depressing i wish i had someway to stop this incessant rambling voice in my head.

11) No, I will not pick up the pain killers again - don't worry. My sarcasm is hard to hear in #9.

12) What if we go broke? I am not working and I am worthless. Completely a waste of space. I have no worth in this relationship. I must be total baggage to my husband. I have nothing to offer.

13) What if I was snowed in here for 2 or more days - would I go completely whack?

14) "Skank" is a very funny word, really. So is "tank" when used in the proper context. I'm amused they rhyme, too. That would make for a good poem.

15) Where is my book?

And, that dear friends, is how I arrived at the somewhat salvageable mood of this moment. I spent some time with a very inspirational book(s) that seems to do well in guiding me to the importance of not struggling in "why", "what if" and the pointless circle of questions we always seem to beat into ourselves. Quit asking questions and just roll with it. Be strong, positive and be well in thought. Ah, a good read and quite valuable on audio tape. Pulls me up by my bootstraps every time.

So, I learned an important lesson today. For as positive as I am - even I have the capability to single handedly create and mold my day into one of the more depressing days I can ever recall having. We (in general speaking) possess the power to be happy or to be sad. I had my little dance in sadness today and I am not sure how or why I got there. I just know that self pity and doubt is such a waste of time and emotion. I was only there for a couple hours - but not a place I am going to make a habit of visiting.

Life is so much easier when you choose to just trust you are on your chosen journey and be happy with the majority of things in your life that are just right. I don't necessarily regret feeling and dealing with pointless emotions once in awhile. I guess if you let yourself feel what you need to feel for a short time, it makes all the good and right things in your life shine a little brighter in the end (if you have the power and strength to also pull yourself out of it, that is.)

Lastly (and thankfully unrelated to the rest of this post) I am happy to see Ruthie and Suzie sneaking around with the rest of you lurkers! Suzie - thank you one million times for the zeroform. I had just enough to get me through until tomorrow when I can pick more up in Decorah. Life saver - 'sall I can say 'bout thayat.

Thank Heavens I have things to do tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!


(footnote: zeroform is a neat little gauze thingy soaked in all kinds of good stuff to keep my new skin graft healthy and happy! Hmmmmmm...maybe I should make a head band out of it.)