In my email today:

Dave Barry: Convention starts -- sort of
By Dave Barry Miami Herald

ST. PAUL -- So far this feels like a funeral, only not as much fun.
Political conventions are supposed to be celebrations, where you consume complimentary food and beverages and brag about how great your party is and note roughly 125 times per hour that your opponents are tapeworm slime. That's what the Democrats did in Denver, and it's what the Republicans planned to do here. But now they can't. They don't want to be seen celebrating during Hurricane Gustav. And the Democrats don't want to be seen celebrating about the fact the Republicans can't celebrate during Hurricane Gustav.

So at the moment everybody on both sides is being sensitive; nobody is engaging in the hyper-partisan cheap-shot dung-flinging that is the life blood of American politics. Yes, incredible as it seems, both major parties have managed to set aside their sleazy attack-ad gamesmanship to focus on what is actually best for the nation. We can only pray, as Americans and as members of the news media, that this does not last.

For now, however, the Republican convention is in Somber Mode. The original plan was to kick it off Monday with speeches by President Bush, Laura Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the late Bing Crosby and many other leading Republican celebrities in a gala prime-time program that would climax with the release, inside the convention hall, of 50 specially trained doves, which would be shot down by Vice President Cheney.

But all of that had to be scrapped. Instead, on Monday afternoon the Republicans held a serious and much-curtailed convention session, highlighted by welcoming remarks from the highest-ranking Republican office-holder who is actually in Minnesota, Arthur A. ''Art'' Fensterman, lieutenant comptroller of Idaho, who told the delegates, in a brief but clearly heartfelt speech, that he was here because he missed his connecting flight to New York.

After that the Republicans carried out the required business of the convention, which consisted of formally nominating John McCain, who faced a surprise last-ditch challenge from Hillary Clinton, who apparently is still a little bitter. The Republicans also formally adopted their party platform, which is in fact a photocopy of the repair manual for a 1957 Maytag washer, because nobody in the history of American presidential politics has ever actually read a party platform. (The Democrats forgot to even bring a platform to Denver, so they ended up adopting a few words hastily scrawled on hotel stationery by Ben Affleck.)

Anyway, with the big speeches eliminated, the entire first day of the Republican convention was over in less time than it takes Joe Biden to order breakfast. This left convention-goers with little to do except show their support for the victims of Hurricane Gustav via such humanitarian acts as drinking complimentary distilled spirits. This they did at a big party that was originally called ''the Spirits of Minneapolis,'' but was changed at the last minute to ''the Spirits of the Gulf Coast.'' This party was sponsored by the Distilled Spirits Council, which also held a big party at the Democratic convention, the goal of these parties being to raise awareness of the importance of responsible drinking by handing out free liquor. I did not attend the party, but I am certain the mood was somber.

CELEBRITY WATCH: The Democrats had a lot of celebrities in Denver, including Ben Affleck, Stevie Wonder, Sheryl Crow, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Steven Spielberg and Ben Affleck, among many others, including Ben Affleck. But according to published reports, the Republicans have drawn some ''high wattage'' star power to their own convention, in the form of Antonella Barbra, who finished 16th in the sixth season of American Idol. Seriously. Also Bo Derek has to be around here somewhere.

PROTEST WATCH: There was a big protest march in St. Paul against war and fascism and injustice and corporations in general, so these things should be pretty much eliminated any minute now. But the Republican convention is apparently going to march grimly on for a couple more days. I will be keeping you posted, so don't go anywhere. Unless of course you're here.
For more McClatchy politics coverage: Check out McClatchy's expanded Politics coverage

Random Political Garbage

Terry Moran of Nightline needs to read his teleprompter a little more closely: Barack has two dad's!

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid353549946/bctid1770059840

I find I am becoming agitated and uncomfortable listening to Fred Thompson speak at the RNC tonight. (That's why I am back here I guess.) A number of things really but the repetitive 'throat clearing' is all I seem to be able to focus in on as he speaks. I knew a guy through my former work who always cleared his throat and looked down when he was being less than forthright and truthful.

Oh yeah - and the fact that Fred played the chauvinist pig boss on "Roseanne" years ago is a bit much for me to get over. Strangely, he was quite believable in that role!

HEY! I'm jis sayin'!!!

http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/62646

Last, isn't it handy? Leaders in various capacities in this country will "rally" together at some public venue that may be taking place during a time of national crisis. From September 11th to Hurricane Katrina or recently Gustav - someone will, without fail, address a murmering crowd and declare we should all join in prayer and pray and pray and pray to God for all the people going through these terribles acts of disaster. Then the camera pans over a thousands of people praying hard with tears streaming down their cheeks. God sure is handy to make to them look so caring.

Yet, these same "leaders" are the one's who support yanking the Pledge of Allegiance from our schools and stripping all public [government] places of any "religious" affects so that we shrinking, feeble minded Americans are not offended by the word "God". "Heaven forbid" we should ever just think and feel on our own, like something or dislike something and walk away with your own point of view. Let's let government take things away from us so we never have to think and consider.

Some kids of today cannot say the word God in the POA, but they can watch George W. on TV while he tells us all to pray to God? And did they just really END the RNC by saying, "So, let's all PRAY for John McCain........" Wow. Yes they did. Why isn't anyone offended that the Republicans are telling us who to pray for? Did it ever occur to anyone else that in the attempts to be a free society and protect our rights - we have very back handely tide our hands at the same time. You are free to say and do whatever you want as long as you don't offend anyone. LOL!!!

STOP! I should have had ice-cream tonight. It's too late now.